a nervous time of year - fashion wise

This is the time.

The scary time of year - wardrobe wise.

It is the time when I have to do that thing I dread and dread, the thing I put off as long as I can.

It's called...

trying on the warm weather clothes

EEP!!!

It's when the weather gets nice and warm, and I can no longer hide in my bulky sweaters and thick long trousers. Now I need warm weather clothes. I might need to wear... SHORTS!

Every year I forget about it. Then it warms up. Then I start to sweat outside and feel uncomfortable. Then I drag out the bin and start looking to see what I have to wear fro the warm days.

Not much. Last year I actually bought 2 pairs of shorts. Most of my summer-ish clothes for work will still be ok. Last week I bought a new pair of summer shoes for work and play (sage green Sketchers, love!). I have a couple of dresses that I wear over short leggings.

But last night... last night I tried on this very fitted blazer I bought for work when I first got this job. It's khaki and cotton with spandex. There's some stretch to it, and the very fitted lines (and hook fasteners all the way up the front) gave me a very streamlined look. I love the flat ruffles and the cut of it, plus the cotton spandex blend. (I found it online, in denim -- mine is very light khaki but this is the exact jacket.)

Unfortunately I have not worn it since that first spring. My back went out, my walking and physical activity just stopped, and while the jacket wasn't too small, exactly, it was just snug enough -- in the shoulders, upper arms, etc -- that I always passed it by when choosing what to wear. But I couldn't get rid of it like I did some other clothes I bought at that time. This jacket? Just too awesome. And too expensive. Too unusual. I could never find another like it. But it is very tailored. I could wear it, but... it was not my most easy option.

Yesterday evening was lovely. It has been warm here (finally) and when the sun was setting it was slightly too cool to be comfortable in short sleeves. I dragged the jacket out and put it on before running an errand.

Holy moly! Not only does it fit beautifully, it is actually a wee bit loose in the shoulders and upper arms!

I am so excited.

wearing this top, today - this photo at the Ren Faire 2005?

None of my clothes are "too big" on me (ok, my one pair of boyfriend jeans needs constant hitching up, but I can still wear them) and I really don't want to replace this carefully curated selection I have of clothes that I love. I do love them, I love how my clothes fit, I love how they feel, I love how they all work together. Clothes like this jacket -- such a great find. Today I am wearing a shirt I have had for probably 10 years. I wore it on my 40th birthday strip to San Antonio. I've worn it to a zillion things where cameras were coming out. I love the pattern, the colors, the shape and how simple it is. (The print is large graphic magnolia blossoms)

As I established with the shoes, when I find something I like I wear it and wear it and wear it and wear it. As long as I can. I rarely buy trendy anything except cheap accessories, because I can't afford to have my clothes only last a season or two. Buying clothes is rather traumatic. I'm really really picky about what I buy.

Short story long -- my favorite jacket fits me beautifully now. It hangs perfectly. It is super comfortable, and it is just right to wear to work on these gorgeous spring days. Mostly I am happy because, while I can flex the muscles in my biceps and my stomach and my legs and my backside, and I can see and feel them, I cannot do this for shoulders, chest or upper back. I work those areas, I work them a lot, but I don't see much change (except in the bicep/tricep area). I can't flex shoulder muscles. I am not sure how to do that. It is so so nice to see the positive changes in that area.

But I love it. Was it only a month ago I was complaining that I go to the gym, and I don't look like I do? I think to an "outside" eye, I might not look like I take care of myself physically. After all, my clothes are still plus size and I have not dropped any sizes. The common delusion in our society is fat = lazy, out of shape, don't care about yourself, lay around eating donut holes (ok, I do that). But that is not true. There are fat, overweight people who are marathoners, Olympic athletes, award winning ballroom dancers...

But to me, I look different. Not in my face (is there a weight I can lift for a double chin?!?!). But the rest of me looks different. It's a change that is incrementally, glacially slow. Six months ago I would have sworn if I could not lose 100 lbs in 6 months, why bother? I would have been so very wrong.

This weekend I had.... kind of a hard time. Nothing I care to share online. But it was very very hard. As usual these days (and this is a wonderful habit), when those days comes I hit the gym. Only the gym helps. Only the gym turns off my brain and my worrying and lets me relax it a bit. Since Saturday was so hard, I went to the gym, where I worked even harder than I have ever before. I haven't been babying myself exactly, but with my neck and back pain, I didn't want to overdo it. This time I needed to overdo it. And my phone conked out so I had no music - that means the Scared Fat Girl inside me was blubbering and sniveling and whining to pleasepleaseplease go home, I want to go home, can we please stop now...

I needed to set the weights so high it was hard to do even one rep, let alone a set. I needed to rework the machines to increase my range of motion. I needed to grit my teeth and make embarrassing sound effects (luckily there was no one around me). I needed to concentrate on moving the exact muscle I meant to move and not cheat at all. I needed to go on the bike and instead of moving from 70-ish rpms at level 5 (my standard) to 85ish rpms at Level 10 (my intensity interval), I needed to get myself over 100 rpms at over Level 10, and for longer than 10 seconds.

It was hard. It shut it all off for the 90 minutes I was there. Sadly I needed to go again on Sunday, and I could not do it. I overdid it. My whole body ached on Sunday. I arms, my shoulders, my upper back, all the way down my backside, my legs, and oh of course, my core. Maybe I could have gone, just done a light work out, but that doesn't shut off my brain and it doesn't vanquish those demons that drive me there. 

I stayed in bed Sunday. That kind of sucked. But now it is a new week, and my jacket fits, and I know from experience that after I give myself a few days to repair, my strength and endurance will have noticeably improved, bc I pushed myself.

What I really want is for this to remain a regular and important habit. I am still working on NURTURE (my OLW). I am cooking more, using "clean eating" recipes, and adjusting my own recipes (like substituting whole wheat pasta). I have a big container of pistacio gelato in my freezer and it has been there mostly unmolested for over a month. I've eaten a serving or two, but I have not eaten the whole container in lieu of dinner. I still skip meals sometimes. I still like some packaged foods. Now that McDonald's is an occasional treat I do enjoy a weekly trip to the drive thru. I cannot beat my Coke addiction.

I don't now if anyone but me reads these words. But if out there, there is some Fat Girl, someone who feels sick and tired and half dead, someone who feels like there is no point in doing anything (or anything more than whatever might be going on already), I just want to tell you some stuff.

I want to tell you that my gym membership is Planet Fitness. It is $10 a month. Plenty of flabby, chubby people go there. Old people go there. All the young teens from the local high school can afford $10 so they go there. And some very slim, muscular, fit-looking people go there. No one cares what you wear when you go (ok, if you are wearing some outfit that looks like you want to be on the cover of Fitness magazine, then yeah, you look like you are trying to hard to impress. That is not looked on favorably.). It's open 24 hours, and every single day except maybe Christmas.

I go to the gym 1-2 times a week, and mostly on weekends. Getting up at 5:00 am to go work out before I actually go to work? Can kiss my muscular ass.

When I started, I did 8-9 slow minutes on the recline bike, and maybe 5 machines, all at the lowest weight, and I thought I was gonna die.

The hardest part, for me, is the first mile on the bike. The first half mile is a bitch. The first quarter mile is like torture. Then a rhythm is established and it is easy to keep going. 

And I did all this despite (and sometimes because) of excruciating back pain. Pain so bad I could not walk more than a block. Pain so bad I could not stand more than a minute or two.

I still have pain. I go to physical therapy. The exercises hurt. I do them anyway.

When you make exercise a regular part of your life - even if it's only once a week for 20 minutes - there is a sea change inside of you. Not looking like a fashion model matters less and less and less. The number on the scale matters less and less and less. Judgement matters less because you know the judgement is wrong.

You know you care about your body, and yourself. You know you make an effort. 

And your body? It's like an over eager puppy. It's just waiting. It doesn't want you to hate it. It's trying. Maybe all it can do is breathe. Maybe all it can do is blink your eyes for you. And allow you to read the internet. If you can give it a little direction, it so wants to please you.

Well, my body is like that anyway. And I never knew that. My body has been my enemy for so long... *sigh* I mean, really, I started a running jogging program and 9 months later I could not even walk a block? For the past almost 2 years I have been in constant pain? Of course I felt like my body was out to get me. Of course I felt like exercise really wouldn't work on ME. 

I was wrong. You might be wrong too.

PS. I collect handmade brooms. That one from the Ren Faire was an early birthday gift and it's one of my favorites.

shoe funeral

time for shoe funeral

Do you have a Polish Mother? I have a Polish Mother. And the rallying cry of the Polish Mother is well known:

IT'S STILL GOOD!

You cannot really blame a Polish Mother or Grandmother or Relative who came to the US after WW2. They lost everything in the war. They were incredibly poor. They had, literally, nothing - not even citizenship. These Polish relatives were and are the original Recyclers. Reuse, reuse, reuse.

All that to explain why I have not purchased brand new shoes in quite a long time, other than the very occasional pair of cheap-o ballet flats at Payless. Those are not "real shoes" to me. Those are cheap play shoes.

purple sparkle shoes

Sketchers is my go-to brand for real shoes. I love Sketchers. When I got this job, I went shopping for clothes and shoes. I bought a pair of boots and a pair of dressy-ish shoes (purple sparkles!) at the Sketchers outlet. I found a pair of the black athletic shoes at the thrift shop, and I loved them. I had a black, floral pair that I bought brand new, retail, years ago. I had a pair of gold Sketchers that I bought while on a birthday trip to San Antonio.

My feeling about these sorts of shoes is, as long as they don't have holes or tears in them, they are STILL GOOD.

at the Sketchers store, 2 years ago

Of course, once Feb hit this year and everything was on clearance, I was super tempted to go to the Sketchers Outlet at least, and see what they had. I've already had the heels on my favorite boots replaced once, but other than that...

I told myself that since my regular athletic shoes (I also own a very expensive pair of running shoes, but I don't wear those to work) did not have holes in them, since my summer shoes were still wearable, that I was not allowed to blow money on shoes. I have an apartment to pay for, I have utilities, I have had to purchase everything from a microwave to new spices for cooking.

NO NEW SHOES.

As I have mentioned, I've had back problems for a while and now I am going to physical therapy at a place for sports injuries and chronic pain. The PTs there have their doctorates, and they specialize in spinal rehabilitation. I am learning a lot and the PT is having a great effect on me.

Last night I asked about shin splints. I am feeling better, I can walk further, and I have been able to dash for the train a time or two. I find if I walk too far or too fast, I get shin splints. Right now I am working on my calves at the gym, and I do all the right stretches. But back when I was running, shin splints just killed me.

That's when I learned something that I never ever knew:

When you buy shoes for cushioning and support.. the cushioning starts to biodegrade. Just... in the air. You don't even have to be wearing them! You can't buy a pair of good running shoes and let them sit and put them on 2 years later. The cushioning is depleted.

This is not an issue if you don't have pain. If you don't have back pain, knee pain, neck pain, foot pain, shin splints... well, wear what you like. And some shoes, some shoes you just buy because they are pretty. Or they go with a certain outfit. Or they are just so pretty.. I have shoes like that.

But on a daily basis I primarily wear one of my many pairs of Sketchers, so I can walk. And I've been wearing my main pairs for years now. Years and years and years. And I have severe back pain, and very bad shin splints.

Short story long, this is my excuse for running right over to the Sketchers outlet near me last night when I got home. Shop shop shop!

I did look in the clearance area. I did! I tried on every pair of shoes I even kind of liked. But in the end the 2 pairs I chose weren't on clearance. However, it was buy one, get one half off, so that worked out.

Now normally I can easily get rid of things but... oh the shoes. The shoes! *SOB* Weren't they "still good"? Couldn't I at least put them in the thrift shop box?!?!

No. No no no no. They were dead. Dead shoes. All I had to do was put on the new ones and compare. No cushioning on the old ones. Stretched out so badly they barely stay on my feet. No.

I'm sorry, little shoes. You were awesome. I have loved you for a long long time.

And then... I had to do it. Toss them, In the trash, Going to the landfill. Oh my little shoes, goodbye goodbye.

I guess the important moral of this story is...

Just because the shoes don't have holes in the sole, doesn't mean they are STILL GOOD. They are not. They are probably dead and you are still wearing them. Which is not a problem, if you like them, and you don't have pain.

But if you have pain like I do, and your shoes are more than a year old... you might have to buy some new ones.

In other news --

YAY! I have new shoes!

work in progress

work work work work... but the view is excellent

Me... and my apartment. Works in progress.

Recently I celebrated some small milestones.

Two years at my job. Two years of commuting. Two years of having a paycheck. Two years of an amazing view out the window. I am still so so SO grateful for this job. Grateful it came up as I was graduating. Grateful I got the interview. Grateful I rocked it. Grateful for the boss, now moved on, who opened the door for me. Grateful for health insurance and paid days off. Grateful for flex time. Grateful for learning. Grateful for more responsibility. Grateful for the chance to use my degree and what I have learned. Grateful for the experience. Mostly, grateful for the financial stability that comes with a regular paycheck. Always the same amount, always the same time, I can count on it. After years of scrambling to find the pennies to buy food and gas, I am so grateful to have my OWN money.

This week we have hired 2 new assistants in our dept. Usually we hire grad students who are eager and excited to learn and gain needed experience in the field. This time we have hired a woman with a BA who has worked in a library but probably won't go further than that, and a recent graduate with a lot of related experience. I will have a hand in training them and guiding them, answering all the questions. We have had 2 assistants here for the past couple of years and it has been really nice to rely on them to be self directed, know what they are doing, and just get it done. It has allowed us to move forward on other big changes. But one moved to Seattle and now the other is graduating next month and moving home to Michigan to look for a job. It's time to give some others a chance. I am glad to be done with reviewing resumes, calling references, interviews, and meetings to discuss the hiring process.

it's not quite this bad these days

I also passed one month at my small apartment. It's all a work in progress there. A Tolkein meme  on FB calms me -- "Little by little one travels far." Or, little by little, one unpacks. If there were some urgency I am sure I could rock this place and get it whipped into shape. But there isn't. No one is here but me. My kitchen is set up. My bathroom is set up. I have a place to sit. I have a mostly empty bedroom. My clothes hang in the closet. What is left is things like scrapbooking and other craft supplies, photos and photo albums, tubs of memorabilia and files and paperwork to be sorted. My broom collection -- no idea what I am going to do about that. 

I also made it a whole month without buying my lunch out. That is amazing. To go from eating lunch out 98% of the time to never, that is amazing. I am enjoying cooking in my larger new-to-me kitchen. I am enjoying grocery shopping. I really like having food on me rather than wandering the city streets, searching for sustenance.

lunch! pork roast, fruit, peas, kolacky

The best change has been the change in my body. There will be no photos on the blog (not now, anyway) but the change is marked. I have now been going to the gym regularly for 4 months. I know, if I went every day or most days, if I changed all my eating habits, I would have lost a lot of weight by now. I also know that such a loss would have been temporary, bc I cannot keep that up. I love my daily Coke. I love kolacky. I love fried chicken. I love pizza. As is obvious, I'd rather be fat than give those things up, bc otherwise, I would have given them up, and I'd be a lot thinner. Never mind. 

I started going to the gym bc I felt like crap. Physically, yes, but I can and have ignored that. But I felt like crap emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and psychically. THAT I cannot ignore. THAT only gets worse over time. THAT cannot be suppressed with medication. Maybe illegal drugs were another option but it's not a road I wanted to travel. I can't lose weight and exercise bc I care what other people think about what I look like. I can't even go bc I care about what I look like. I just can't. It's not motivating. But feeling like a truck has run over me, on the inside, that motivates me. Motivated by the stick, rather than the carrot, that is me.

So I started going regularly (I mean like, once a week, sometimes twice) bc when I went, I felt better. Maybe only better while I was there... ? um, not really -- let's be real here. Trying to exercise when you are woefully fat and out of shape does NOT feel good. That's why people who are fat and out of shape don't freaking want to do it. It feels awful. Terrible. Inside the Crazy Fat Girl is whimpering and blubbering and begging you to go home and stop torturing her and can she please please have a cookie?!? It's extremely difficult to be mean to that sad, pathetic little voice. 

My point is that now, after all this time, I am really seeing and feeling the changes. I can see the muscles I have. Since I do the circuit area, I am working all the large muscle groups, including areas I have never cared about working before. For instance, I never really did leg exercises, bc with walking I always felt I worked my legs enough, and my butt isn't huge or jiggly so I never worried about it. Now I am working my whole body. The changes are small - I still wear the same clothes. They fit better and hang better. I love being stronger. I love that when I try on something new, it fits and hangs better. I love that I can suck in my abs easily, and that I can tuck my hips under, to give myself even better posture. When you have some muscle, exercising does get easier.

I guess I am writing this out bc, when you are overweight and flabby, faced with the media and a world full of thin people, it feels overwhelming and pointless to try and move forward. Like, there's no way I can look like that so why torture myself? And we live in a culture of extremism. Change your whole life! Completely cut out gluten! Completely cut out sugar! Buy only organic! Go to the gym every single day! Lose 50 lbs in 2 months! 

I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT BULLSHIT.

I go to the gym once a week most of the time. I can only really go on weekends. If my weekends are full, I have to skip it. With my back problems, I cannot go walking during the week or use a treadmill. When I started going, I did 10 minutes on the seated bike, and then maybe 5 machines in the circuit area. Now I do 15-20 minutes on the bike, about 3 miles, the circuit area, some additional machines, yoga stretches, and my nemesis, the plank position. 

Vietnamese Chicken Salad for dinner

I am using this clean eating meal planner and I have been making the recipes. I still eat pizza and pancakes and sometimes ice cream. I am not "smaller" but I am "better". I am stronger, I am more fit, I can do more, and I feel better. I look forward to going to the gym (sometimes) and I miss it when it's been too long. I enjoy sweating -- A LOT. I like stretching and getting my flexibility up. Now that I have some muscle I enjoy seeing how much or how hard I can use them. I think the periods when I don't go are beneficial, bc when I go back I perceive a marked improvement.

My only complaint is... the double chin. There are no exercises or machines for my double chin. I hate it. I have to live with it.

Other than that, it's been great. It doesn't have to be overwhelming. You don't have to decide you want to join a gym to lose 50-60-100 lbs or it's worthless. You don't have to hurt yourself like on The Biggest Loser.  You can just improve. A little at a time. It's ok.

The best thing, for me -- I still have these back problems (that is not the best part). I am going to a new doctor and doing physical therapy. And the physical therapy is JUST for my back. That is, we are not spending 6 weeks of PT just to give me some kind of core strength to see if that is the problem, or if it makes my pain lessen. I already have core strength. For the first time in my life, I have muscle there. I am strong. And I am flexible, When they give me assessment exercises, I can just do them. I know the difference between an ache from stretching and an ache from pain. Since my core is strong (not Ironman strong, but better than it ever has been) we can now use PT to concentrate on the real problem -- my back pain.

I started off talking about gratitude. And here, I also feel gratitude. Gratitude to my body. As chubby as it is, as much as it doesn't fit any kind of beauty standard in our society, as inadequate as I might feel sometimes. I feel grateful to my body. Bc I started paying attention to it, and like a dog just waiting for a command, it has stepped up to the plate. I tell my body to lift some weight, and it does it. I tell my body to speed up on the bike, and it goes. And then my body improves. It gets better. It responds. 

I am so grateful to my body. It actually works. Fancy that.

to do : update

making shrimp in garlic herb sauce

This past weekend was not busy at all. I laid around a lot and rested. Still not unpacked. I emptied out one giant box (tossing a lot of stuff) and went through a suitcase of clothes,

• go grocery shopping  
• try out one of my clean eating recipes
• go to the gym
• take some stuff to the thrift store, or at least load it in my car 
• unpack and put away more clothes 
• unpack some scrapbook albums and get rid of those boxes 
• see if I can see The Hobbit, Part 1 on the Big Screen one more time 
• pay ALL THE BILLS!

The weekend was not a giant fail just because I didn't go to the gym or get these 2 full boxes of stuff for the Goodwill into my car. I lazed around a lot. Read books. Slept in. Ran around to multiple grocery stores on a quest to find some of this "health food" (as you see from the photo, in at least one case I gave up and just opted for whole wheat pasta instead of quinoa). Watched TV on Netflix. Cleaned up the kitchen. Took out the trash. Saw a friend and connected with her over pizza before she leaves her job and I won't see her any more.

I wish I had gone to the gym, though. Instead, I saw The Hobbit. I think this makes number 5. (6?) Hm, I wonder if it will still be playing this weekend too. I am determined to see it on the BIG screen as many times as I can before it goes away forever. Watching it on DVD at home? SO not the same.

Settling In. Still More Unpacking.

Organizing by color

Sadly the entrance to my living room does not look markedly better than the last time I took a picture of it. I have been working on the bookcases and trying to get the books unpacked. Maybe I should just cram them on there for now and then move on, except that having a visual mess in front of my eyes does not inspire me to do more. It makes me want to avoid the mess entirely.

Last weekend I got almost nothing done at home. I met friends for shopping and lunch in a little town over an hour away from me now. I stiffened up on the drive out there, and the 2 hours in the craft store did not help. Thankfully, the shop has a little classroom where I could sit down from time to time. I didn't buy much, but I loved seeing my friends, and meeting some of their friends too,

After lunch I went to the used bookstore in the town to drop off a lot of my old books (and friends took a lot of the novels I brought along as well) and shopped only a little (3 paperbacks). Then I drove another 45 minutes to the Mall of Hell, drove around to Infinity And Beyond looking for parking, entered the Caverns of Despair, procured my few items (I only go to the MALL to buy makeup) and escaped after only being harrassed a few times by aggressive kiosk salespeople.

Then was a trip to WalMart (given up on finding my phione charging cord for now) and as a reward, I saw The Hobbit. One more time. It's at the cheap theater now. That make 4 times -- once regular, twice in 3D, and the very BEST: once in IMAX 3D. (So expensive. So worth it. Maybe I can see it one more time on the Big Screen.)

3 months and... it still doesn't look like I work out

The end result of all this running around is that Sunday was a wash. I laid in bed, in pain, until after 3pm. I finally hobbled up and out to my car just to go to the gym, so I could walk a bit. I did some serious Sweat Therapy at the gym.

As a side note (which in my mind is a Huge Main Plot Point), after over 3 months of going to the gym... it still doesn't look like I go to the gym (and seriously push myself when I am there). This is hard for me to accept. My best friend tells me she can see a difference but that's what best friends are for.

I don't really know what I weigh right now. I know what I weighed 6 months ago, but I don't own a scale and I refuse to have one in my house. I have some clothes that were feeling tight that now feel comfortable.

I think it would make more of a difference to me if it had a marked effect on my ability to walk and stand. It helps me unstiffen and move around when I am hobbling, but it doesn't do anything for the pain I feel. That is so hard to live with. I don't know what is next - a chiropractor and/or acupuncture, I guess. But that is more expense at a time when my cost of living is through the roof due to the increase in rent, the cost of utilities, and my commute is now twice as much.

Underneath that stubborn layer of fat, there are hard muscles. I know that, because I can feel them. My core strength has improved SO much, and that is the hardest. Last August when I bought my yoga program I could not hold the standard Plank Position for more than 3-4 seconds. Now I hold it for several sets. I can also do it on my elbows, which is much harder on the core muscles. At some point I want to hold each for a minute. I will get there.

Cooking, and packing my lunch, is fun.

Back to moving in. I am slowly settling in to this new home. As in all difficult things, I write to notice and track what seems like miniscule progress. Last night I quickly unpacked 2 more boxes and ran those plus the other empties over to a friend's house. I love living in Logan Square because it is so central to everything. The kitchen and bathroom are set up and still have lots of empty storage space to be filled. I am enjoying cooking and eating at home. This entire month I have brought my lunch to work every day, which is important because eating out is expensive.

And as I unpack, I find the weirdest things! Things I didn't even realize I had. I've been dumping a lot of stuff that I thought I would want to keep. A lot of my old decor items won't work in this space. A lot of books I bought and read, and don't need to keep or read any more. Now that I am a librarian, I take even more advantage of the library system to order books I want to read.

It's coming along, slowly. This weekend I have no plans with friends, plans with myself and my apartment. And The Hobbit. Plans like

1. go grocery shopping
2. try out one of my clean eating menus from eMeals
3. go to the gym
4. take some stuff to the thrift store, or at least load it in my car
5. unpack and put away more clothes
6. unpack some scrapbook albums and get rid of those boxes
7. see if I can see The Hobbit, Part 1 on the Big Screen one more time
8. pay ALL THE BILLS!

...and just enjoy the simple pleasures of my life right now.

The Unpacking. Is it over yet?!?!

 NO! It isn't! And this is after about a week and a half. Ugh.

I am trying to not be too hard on myself. I am trying to NOT say, Self, why is it that other people moved at the same time as you did and they are practically done with unpacking, and YOU, Self, are not? Slacker.

I am trying to remember that Other People are not me. Other People have packers to come pack for them, and movers to come move them. I had to pack it all myself, including trekking around to various grocery stores looking for boxes for a few weeks beforehand. I hired one guy for 6 hours (expensive, but worth it) and a van, and the majority of the moving was done by me with several friends and relatives helping. And I work full time so I am gone all day; the majority of my daily energy goes to dressing for work, commuting in this big city, and work work work, so I am tired in the evenings. Self, Other People are on their path, and I am on mine. Different paths.

Mostly though... I just don't have the physical strength/energy of some Other People. Correction: I have pretty good stamina and I am proud of the strong muscles I have after going to the gym regularly for the past few months. These were great help on Moving Weekend. But, I also have back problems. Pretty severe back problems. The doctors can find nothing wrong with me at all, but the pain is there, and it is intense. This week it feels as if two pieces of broken glass are rubbing together on my lower spine. Yet my spine is "perfect" according to the neurosurgeon/spine specialist. Not a thing wrong. Why is it, then, that yesterday when my alarm went off and I tried to scoot over in the bed to hit snooze I almost screamed in pain? I wasn't walking or standing. I was sleeping in a bed, and my mattress is not that old. I don't know what I can do at this point. Going to the gym and increasing my core strength has helped some but I am still in a lot of pain, daily. Standing, bending, carrying, shoving boxes around, all these things just hurt.

This was last night:

1) Come home from a commute on both a train and a bus, including walking, going down stairs, and standing to wait for the bus.

Have to immediately sit down for several minutes to take the pressure off my spine.

2) Take 2 big loads of garbage from last night's unpacking out to the dumpster. Not a lot of stairs, but still, carrying and walking and lifting, twice.

Have to sit down again.

3) Stare at the bookcases, and sigh. Once I get the books set up that will get a lot of boxes out of the way.

4) Get up and go heat up some stuff I cooked earlier for dinner. Decide I simply must unpack my clothes ASAP. I have plenty of dresser and closet space now. Drag a giant IKEA bag to the closet and start bending to pick up clothes and twisting to hang them in the closet, all while standing. Bend and twist, bend and twist. Get one bag (of many) done.

Have to go sit down again.

5) Food is ready so I go get it. Sit down to eat. Listen to music. Stare at bookcase and boxes of books. My friend Amelia came over on Sunday and dragged the boxes with books in them over to the bookcase area, so that was a big help. She also discovered my motorcycle jacket from my grunge phase in 1993 and squeed. She tried it on and admired herself so much that I told her to take it. It's on long term loan. She can give it back to me someday. (Even if she doesn't, I am ok with that, as long as she enjoys it.)

6) Get up and wash dishes, put them away, and clean up the kitchen a bit so it doesn't become a pigsty. Think about getting on my knees to scrub the bottom cabinets out so I can put things in there. Decide that would be a problem.

Have to go sit down again.

7) I've actually sorted most of my books by now and I have decided to try displaying them by color instead of by topic and size. Visually it looks pretty cool but the librarian in me frets at breaking up sets that go together because the spines are different colors. After dinner I sat on the floor and put more shelves into the bookcases and shelved the black books on the bottom.

8) Move a few baskets and bins into the rooms or areas where they actually need to go. Go through the Give Away Boxes I have set up and pull a bag of paperbacks for a friend who is coming to town on Saturday. At some point I want to get these now-full boxes into my car so I can take them to the Goodwill after I see my friends for shopping and lunch on Saturday out in the suburbs.

Now it's getting late, I am tired, and I need to get ready for work tomorrow. This includes finding something to wear (because most of my clothes are not unpacked), packing my lunch, and taking a shower (more standing).

So basically, all evening all I did was unpack one giant bag of clean clothes, take out 2 loads of garbage, move some bins closer to where they belong, and set up 2 shelves in the bookcase. Not very much. It's like this every night, except some nights I also cook and then I have to sit down more, and there is more cleaning to do afterwards.

It's not a complaint, just a reflection of my life right now. And I have always been a person who was just go, go, go, go, go when something was needed and it had to be done. I have always had to push through tiredness and sore muscles, because I lived alone and there was no one to do it all, just me. But now my back will not cooperate. I can't push past this pain. It's not like exercise pain, that gets better as you get stronger. The more I push, the worse this gets.

I'm feeling pretty glad none of the roommate situations I looked into last summer worked out for me. I don't know what a roommate would say about all my stuff just laying around and taking up space for so many days. It will be many more days or even weeks until I feel I've gotten a grip on the whole moving thing. Some people in this city move every year or so, just for the change. I think they are nuts!

Last Friday I was in a bad state. I called it homesickness but it turns out it was more like displacement. I wasn't so much wishing for my old place, as I was wishing I could be on autopilot, just a little. Everything here is so new. I am not even sure where my car is from day to day. If I need it, I have to go looking for it, rather than knowing it's in the garage every night. I have not yet figured out how to coordinate the CTA with the Metra so I'm at work on time. I have yet to go grocery shopping in my new neighborhood. And of course... the upstairs neighbors. They were again walking right over my head at 2:00am, and then again at 7:00am. They don't sleep, and they don't have jobs. The noise is the worst right over my bedroom. It makes me even more tired, and I have yet to sleep in on a weekend thanks to them.

Well the cure last Friday is the same as this Friday -- TO SWEAT. Friday is casual day at work, so I can wear my workout gear and then go to the gym right after I get home. I am still at my old gym too. Something a little familiar, a little welcome. I actually did not sweat too much last week, even though I was definitely using my muscles. The days of me feeling like I am going to collapse seem to be past me. I keep trying to intensify my workout to get back to that feeling. Now I can do the plank position a few times, including on my elbows (SO hard on the core). Last night when I sat on the floor to put books away, I felt the stretch and it felt good.

I am so glad I am enjoying the gym. I don't love every minute, but I love going, and I love the results, and I love seeing my progress and writing it on this here blog for later. Last year at this time I hated hated hated that gym, I hated going, I hated even being inside there, I hated the colors and how it smelled, I hated it. Now I like it and I would go more often, if I wasn't afraid of too much, too soon.

And I like my new neighborhood. On the (very) few days it's been nice out, it's a lovely place to be.

Moving. Is. Hell.

There's a lot I could say about the weekend, but that is the gist of it. Saturday was awful, just awful. I survived. Barely.

It would have been so much easier if all we'd had to do was move the stuff from where I was living, to where I am now living. I had 2 strong young men come over on Friday and we moved 2 carloads of boxes to the apartment. That only took about 2 hours. (Thanks guys!) That helped a lot, since we didn't have to move all that stuff on Saturday.

On Saturday, I had my brother, my best friend's son, and a mover I hired come over at noon and again, we were done with everything, including my furniture, by about 2pm.

I wish once we moved all that stuff, I was done. But... NO.

Several years ago I moved a large chunk of my belongings to a storage unit waaaaaaayyy out near South Barrington. I wanted to sell my condo, so anything and everything I could live without but wanted to keep -- including books, framed photos, extra bedding and towels, craft supplies, etc -- was in that storage unit. I have been paying rent on that unit for years and years. On Saturday I had a van and moving help and I wanted all that stuff with me.

So we drove out there -- an hour in bad traffic. Emptying the storage room out didn't take long with 3 guys doing most of the work. But then... another hour drive, back into the heart of the city, in even worse traffic. And then unloading all of these boxes, super heavy, and now coated with several years' worth of dust. I have even cleaned out that storage unit at least twice, and thrown out more and more stuff.There was still a lot left.

I wish that just doing all that was all I needed to do on Saturday. But... NO.

After the guys left it was on me to return the van. Then, I had left my car (full of bags and bags of clothes, towels, bedding, and other lightweight stuff) at my parents' house. So I stood outside in the cold, and waited for the bus to go get my car.

I wish once I got in my car, I was done. But... NO.

I then had to go to Target. All I kept were things I couldn't replace. All the things that I knew I could re-purchase at some point were the things I dumped. So I needed a shower curtain, to take a shower. A curtain liner. Curtain rings. A bathmat. I needed laundry detergent so I could wash the sheets I had left on the mattress to protect it. No way could I sleep on those sheets, now dirty and dusty from the move.

And all the other things, A kitchen garbage can. Garbage bags. Toilet paper. Paper towels. Some groceries. Plates. Bowls. Cutlery. A couple of brooms. Plastic containers. Plastic wrap. A Crock Pot. Cleaning supplies. Sponges. And on and on.

I wish once I was done shopping, I was DONE. But... no.

I still had to drive back to my new neighborhood, double park, drag all my purchases out of the car. AND drag all the bags of clothes and bedding and and and out of the car. Into the apartment. Then I drove around and around and around, looking fruitlessly for parking on a Saturday night. After about 20 minutes I found a spot only a block away.

I wish once I found parking and walked home, I was done. But.... NO.

I had to strip the mattress and wash the bedding. I am thankful the laundry machines were close by and available. If I'd had to go to the laundromat I would not have been able to do it. So I washed the sheets. And a big bag of dirty clothes I'd not had time to wash pre-move. Then I folded what I could, and remade the bed.

THEN, and only then, was I done. It was a hard, hard day. I didn't even try to take a shower. I could not stand the idea of trying to fuss with the shower curtain and liner and curtain rings. I'd had it.


Sunday I stayed in bed most of the day. My OLW is NURTURE, and for me, that meant I needed to recover. My back ached, my whole body really ached. And I still needed to figure out the shower curtain and hang it up to shower. It doesn't seem like a difficult thing, unless you are mentally and physically exhausted, and you haven't hung a shower curtain in about 4 years. Then it's like a madening puzzle you are too tired to figure out.

Eventually I ventured out to another Target and 2 more K-Marts for more missing and needed items (like a microwave).


Monday I made my first big grocery run. It's hard to decide what to buy because I don't have any of my kitchen equipment unpacked. At least I bought a microwave so I can heat up some soup, and I bought one new large pot so I can cook some things.

I feel like all I did for several days was load up my car and drag things to the apartment. All I did was fill it up and then have to empty it out. Over and over and over again. I am now quite practiced at parking in the tow zone outside my gate, keeping an eye on the traffic, unloading as fast as I can, locking the gate, and going off to find parking.

I have finally started unpacking. I'm trying to, anyway. You know what would be great? If the stuff from the storage unit, stuff I want but do not actively need at the moment, was the stuff that was buried, closest to the wall, and the boxes of stuff I actively use daily had been moved last. But, it couldn't happen that way. So now, everything I really need, is buried under piles of dirty, filthy boxes from the storage unit. When I open those boxes up, I am overwhelmed, because I have no idea where to put that stuff yet.

I still can't find things. Things like my cord to charge my phone. My bath gel. My big winter coat. It's all so random and I am not sure how I will have my furniture yet. And while the place wasn't filthy, it was not as clean as I'd like, so every time I want to do something I end up cleaning first.

I'm still figuring it all out, as well as trying to work out how to get to work (I have yet to make it in on time). My upstairs neighbors seem to like to walk across their dining room at 2 IN THE DAMN MORNING and they are constantly waking me up. I have earplugs.... somewhere.

It's an adventure for sure. I cleaned up the outside entryway the other night. And last night it snowed so I shoveled off my steps. I want it to look like someone actually lives here. Someone who cares. I like making dinner for myself. I missed cooking, a lot.

Soon the snow will melt and the buds will show. This is my favorite, absolutely favorite time of year. Spring is arriving. Little signs are everywhere, even in the snow. We are all anticipating change. It's not here yet, but soon.

Spring is coming. I can feel it.